Economics is the only field in which two people can share a Nobel Prize for saying opposing things.
A Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist. 
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he naked or homeless?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war? 
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life--so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." --Matt Cartmill, biological anthropologist
Cashtration (v.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
”I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977.
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” --the editors of Popular Mechanics, forecasting in 1949.
“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country, and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall in 1957.
“But what ... is it good for?” --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” --Western Union internal memo, 1876.
“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.” --A Yale University management professor in response to a paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service, from Fred Smith, who later founded Federal Express.
“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”
“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” --Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.
“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out” --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment.  The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.” --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M “Post-It” Notepads.
“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’  So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’” --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.
“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.” --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.
“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.” --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist in his scheme to drill for oil in 1859.
“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.” --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure deGuerre.
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction” --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Tolouse, 1872.
“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon”. --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
“640K ought to be enough for anybody.”—Bill Gates, 1981.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris... are in Seine.
A backward poet writes... inverse.
A man's home is his castle... in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress... just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
The definition of a will... A dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg - but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia:... the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
In the Southern Hemisphere, do Token Ring Networks rotate the token counter-clockwise?
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. -– Dave Barry
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness," -– Dave Barry
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. -– Dave Barry
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. -– Dave Barry
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. -– Dave Barry
"Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
 "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This one got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
"He has a A room temperature IQ."
“He has a photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"He apparently donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"He's so dense, light bends around him."
"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
"It takes him 10 hours to watch 60 minutes."
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? -- W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. -- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill;  Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. -- Winston Churchill’s reply
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. -- Oscar Wilde
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. -- Tom Waits
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be thrown with great force.  -- Dorothy Parker
Grabel's Law:  2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley:  LSD and UNIX.  We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
"A distributed system is one in which I cannot get something done because a machine I've never heard of is down.”  -- Leslie Lamport
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it." - Donald Knuth, computer scientist (1938- )
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. - Niels Bohr, physicist (1885-1962)
"A fundamentalist is an idealist with whom you disagree."